Apr 7, 2009

Bleeding - Part 2

** Sorry I did not hyperlink Three Generations photo from Friday April 3**

Well back to Christmas. It was a weird event and very uncomfortable, yet fun at the same time. I think it was weird because I was 30-something and happy to finally have the traditional Christmas experience. Anyway, that was the seed planted that brought about a change. Later that evening I began to think deeply about the past, the present, and the future. I placed myself into the mind of a young man who discovered that he was about to be a father. That is a scary situation for any man. Then I looked back over my father's life and realized that his father (my grandfather) died when he was 10 years old. He immediately had to assume all responsibility for his family. My father never really had the teenage experience. He was the man of the house. This allowed me to give him some lead way, but it was not enough to allow me to give him a pass. My heart was still cold. My father was in the military visiting places like Germany, Korea, and France and I was stuck in the hood. Without a father I was left to learn from the streets, growing up in a rain of pain and the cocaine game in Miami, Florida. The FBI was at my grandmother's house every Christmas trying to catch my uncles. That was back in the days when they had those white and tan Topaz vehicles. I was the one in charge of taking 2 plates of food out to them. Like I said, my grandmother kept it real. My life lessons came from the pimps, pushers, prositutes, Tupac music, and underworld of our society. Anyway, that is another story for another day. My wife, like any good military strategist formulated a plan to have dinner again, again, and again. Through the food and conversation a fine medium was formed. However, my street teachers taught me to Trust No One. I was not about to let my father infiltrate my wall of defense that was created over a lifetime. As much as my wife tried to create a foundation, I was like "no way!" I looked at the relationship my father had with me as a child like the $100.00 allotment check the military took from his paycheck every month. Then one night while reflecting over my life similar to what I am doing now, I thought about my children. I thought about their futures. One day my children will want to know who they are, and they will want to know their purpose. I have learned in my life that history is a great place to start. However, when my children want to know about their grandparents I would have to admit that I kept them away from my father. I justified keeping them from him because I did not want him to hurt them like he hurt me. I was now taking my pain and placing it on them. That was not fair. What happened between my father and I was between my father and I. As parents we try to protect our children as much as possible, but really I was just trying to protect myself. Stay tuned for part 3 of bleeding on the blog.

6 comments:

  1. Dwayne, you're awesome... (Shelly... lucky girl!). Funny and sensitive. I too, have an absent father, and have often wondered what I would do if I saw him... I think your story helps us sometimes realize it's not always about us anymore.

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  2. Dwayne...the more I read of this story, the more impressed I am with both you and Shelly. Y'all are incredible.

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  3. Again Thank you dwayne for sharing this with us,

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing a part of your history with us. I am at attention waiting for the rest! So glad to hear you're back in touch with your father.

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  5. Did your father ever apologize?

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  6. Shai, To be honest I can not remember. I honestly do not know if it would mean anything to me because of where we are now. Please read the finale that will post tomorrow and maybe it will help you understand what I mean. When I decided to wipe the slate clean I wiped it clean and started fresh. I had to resolve within myself that I would start with day 1 and judge him on his actions from that day, and I believe that is what made the difference.

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